“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance”.
– Brene Brown
As 2025 concludes its final days, we naturally turn toward the year ahead. Talk of “New Year’s Resolutions” abound in personal conversations, in advertisements, and online. As an internally driven person, I typically relish the chance to set ambitious goals and dream a big vision of my future self. However, this year, I am being drawn to a different perspective. Rather than setting goals to lose weight, spend less, be more patient, exercise more, or quit smoking, what if we resolved to love and accept ourselves right now, exactly as we are? What if our New Year’s Resolution focused on love and acceptance of our messy lives and imperfect selves, without the need to change or improve?
The Self-Help industry, beauty industry, and health and fitness spaces all capitalize on our insecurities and our desire for more, more, more. These spaces often imply that we are not yet enough. We must become better versions of ourselves before we can rest. The sneaky trap of this type of thinking is that there is no end. I promise you; if you cannot love yourself today, you will not love yourself more after losing that 15 pounds, after saving more money, after acquiring more possessions, after your house is cleaner, or you run that marathon. You are worthy of love and acceptance right now. Exactly as you are. Flaws and all.
So why do we fall into this trap again and again? It is often due to a false belief that we can force ourselves into being better. If we can only feel bad enough about our imperfections, then we will have to change. After many years of clinical practice and study, trust me when I say that shame does not inspire change. We are only able to make lasting, meaningful change when we feel 1. Confident in our abilities to do so, and 2. Safe to risk failing along the way. By practicing positive self-talk, being gentler and kinder to ourselves, and practicing self-acceptance, we create the conditions necessary for real change.
Consider the perspective of a young child. Let’s say this child has undiagnosed ADHD. They have difficulty focusing on tasks for long periods of time, they speak out impulsively, and they struggle to sit still. The adults in this child’s life berate and belittle them. They compare this child’s behavior to that of their peers (particularly those who do not have ADHD). They punish the child for their neurodivergence. Now tell me, what becomes of this child? Do they feel confident? Do they feel safe? Are they provided the conditions necessary for positive change? Or does this child internalize the message that they are broken, defective, worse than their peers, and unworthy of the same love and acceptance?
You are this child. We are all this child. While we cannot always change the messages given to us by the outside world, we can intentionally decide on our internal dialogue. If we continue to berate, belittle, compare, and punish ourselves for who we are, we will forever remain stuck. Or, we can choose to practice gentleness toward ourselves. Speak loving words out loud about ourselves. Think kind thoughts. Celebrate our efforts and our accomplishments. Treat failures and mistakes as learning opportunities. In this way, self-acceptance is not the opposite of change, it is a necessary component of change! By practicing self-acceptance and self-love, we build our own confidence and create a sense of safety to try and fail and try again.
We can all enjoy the process of self-improvement, setting and working toward meaning goals, and strive for the things in life that are important to us. But first, this New Year, let us set a resolution to love and accept ourselves today, without condition.
Happy New Year!
